The thing about an anxiety disorder is that you know it is stupid. You know with all your heart that it wasn’t a big deal and that it should roll off of you. But that is where the disorder kicks in; Suddenly the small thing is very big and it keeps growing in your head, flooding your chest, and trying to escape from under your skin. You know with all of your heart that you’re being ridiculous and you hate every minute of it. The fact that many people don’t recognize or have patience for your illness only makes everything worse.
So, I haven’t been coping very well with life lately. My anxiety has been playing up something shocking, as those close to me will have noticed. So much so that I have recently gone to the doctor to have my medication doubled so I can just cope with day to day life.
Work has been crazy which has made me exhausted and not able to do the routine mental exercises that I need to do. I don’t know if any of you know what it is like and how much energy is consumed in these exercises.
Each and every day I need to have an internal argument with my own brain, I have a voice that tells me I have done something wrong or I have said something wrong or that someone is talking about me, or even that they looked at me weird, I need to constantly tell my voice that they are wrong, that I haven’t made a mistake, what I just said was ok, I’m not important enough for every conversation to be about me, or that everyone is looking at me. This is a constant conversation in my head. Then on top of that I need to prepare every conversation I am going to have in advance and role play every type of response I could get and every different situation that could happen, just so I can plan what I will say. Then after having a conversation with someone I replay it in my head going over what I said to make sure that there is nothing anyone could make fun of, or that I didn’t sound stupid, then think about what that person is now thinking of me (even if it is a shop attendant who I will never see again). All this stuff happens concurrently in my head, and I need to challenge and fight each and every thought, as well as do my job and put on a normal person face for everyone to see.
That’s why I am tired all the time, and why I don’t want to talk sometimes. Sometimes I need to be alone so they voices aren’t as loud and I can shut them all down. Sometimes I forget to do things at work because in my head is all this other stuff.
Let’s hope the medication will help extend my buffer zone so I can’t deal with all this :)
double the anxiety medication, bring it on